You’ll have to bare with me on this one… it’s been far too long since I last sat down to write a post. The blog has been updated, a new theme added and I’m happy with it so ready to get back into the swing of things!
If you know me, you’re probably thinking “Hannah writing about mental health, surely not?”
Well you definitely read it right and even I’m still struggling to believe it.
For those of you who don’t know me…
I never used to believe in mental heath issues. I was sure that anyone who said they suffered were either doing it for attention or just feeling sad and being incredibly dramatic!
Don’t get me wrong, I’m probably one of the most dramatic people you could meet, but I just couldn’t get my head around why someone would ever truly feel depressed etc. I guess this is still something I think as someone who has never suffered with depression, but having struggled with anxiety, I can understand that it does actually happen.
So what changed?
If you’ve been a follower of my blog for a while, you’d probably have read posts about my previous relationship, or those in which I discussed things I’d and places I’d been that involved my ex partner.
Without going into too much detail, the relationship turned very sour, very quickly, and when I say quickly, I mean it took a 360 degree turn in a matter of days.
That isn’t what this post is about though, in all honesty none of my posts will ever be about that, not the full extent of it anyway. No, this post is about me (just like the world I guess…😉).
In around January time, I started to realise that I really didn’t feel myself. I brushed it off and didn’t really think much of it until I went out for my friends birthday. Although I felt a million bucks and had a great night, I just couldn’t shake the feeling of being so completely nervous, so much it was out of the ordinary. Whilst in the relationship, I hardly ever went out, and if I did, my partner was always with me. I think this was the main reason why I was so worried, I didn’t have anyone there to protect me.
Things started getting worse…
I’d completely lost myself. I didn’t know who I was, my identity, my life in fact, had been taken away from me.Whenever I heard about my ex, stories about him, people telling me they’d seen him, telling me things about his life, it filled me with fear. As if I was in a horror film, starring the villain straight in the face. I couldn’t get my head around why it was making me feel this way but it started to affect me in other ways. The littlest things started to worry me. It was as if I’d completely forgotten how to live on my own and be my own person. I’d gone through what are probably the most prominent years of my life (18-21) being controlled by someone else. Having someone tell me what I should or shouldn’t wear, telling me I needed to lose weight, saying they didn’t want to be seen in public with me without make up on etc
How is anyone expected to be okay after that? I started feeling weird over little things. Pains in my chest, worrying and over-thinking everything. I had no idea what it was but it started happening more and more. One day in work, the feeling was there again, I felt so overwhelmed by absolutely nothing, and the only way I can describe what happened is that everything around me was going in slow motion but my head was in overdrive. I got up and left the office, thinking a walk and fresh air would clear my head. I headed off down the road, tears streaming down my face an absolutely no idea where I was going. Next thing I knew, I was over a bin and one of my friends from work was with me, walking me back to the office. I called my doctors and got an emergency appointment to get checked over, I knew I wasn’t okay. Just a week before this happened, I’d been to the doctors to speak to them about how I didn’t feel myself etc and had gone through the beginning processes of having therapy. as stupid as this sounds, my doctor said it sounds like I’m suffering with mild PTSD after going through the things I did in my previous relationship. Don’t worry, it sounds just as ridiculous to me as it probably does to you, and still to this day I struggle to believe it, but I trust what the doctors say and friends and family seemed to accept it quite simply so I guess they must have seen this in me also. This episode made me realise things needed to move a lot quicker than they did on the NHS. My sister (one of the most amazing and supportive sister’s I could ask for) offered to pay for my therapy if I went privately, she’d already found someone and been in contact with them and so the following day, I was having a phone consultation with a therapist. It was the best decision I could have made!My therapy sessions were about me, not my previous relationship. We went over so much; identity, what I have to offer, what I’m worth, trusting others, seeing my values and learning to love myself again. One of the tasks she gave me was to have a few people write a list of my best attributes. The following week, we sat on the floor and laid out my 7 lists, going through each of the points to see what came up in more than one. Turns out, pretty much all of them did (bar “nailing the harmonies in total eclipse of the heart”… that was a one off 😂). Lara turned looked at me and I just smiled. If all these people in my life think this of my, then it must be true!
Life after therapy.
Don’t get me wrong, I still suffer with anxiety, I still worry about things more than the average person would, but I have such a different outlook on life. I’m back to being the old me, happy, cheery, confident, fun loving Hannah!
Now, when I hear people talking about their own suffers with mental health, I GET IT! I understand, I listen, I comfort. Just like everyone around me did with me.
But most importantly…I Believe!
Now, I’m back, bigger and better than ever! Look out for more blog posts to come, and POTENTIALLY you tube (don’t hold me to this, it’s still up in the air). I really hope you enjoyed this post, I’ve never seen anything on mental health other than by someone who preaches about it and thought a different point of view could maybe encourage other people in the same position as me to get the help they need.
Much love x